Astute ZPG observers may have already noticed a recent addition to the ZPG agenda: a problem of epic proportions that is plaguing society, setting a bad example for our kids, and corroding the fabric of this great homeland.
But what, you might be asking, could possibly be more devastating than goats (and the evil they embody)? I’ll tell you what: plants. They’re having too much sex.
That’s right, I said it. Plants are behaving like downright sluts. Whores! From the very second they’re able to reproduce, they do so indiscriminately, all the time, with whatever plants they can get it on with. Those plants are having so much sex that you can’t even walk down the street anymore without getting pollen — plant seed — all over you. It’s spiraled out of control!
ZPG is determined to put a stop to this atrocious, immoral behavior. We’re still working on some practical solutions over here (ranging from tree condoms to federally-funded tree abstinence programs to just chopping them all down), and we’ll get back to you when we have some national policy solutions worth bringing to congress.
In the meantime, I urge you to let your local trees know how you feel. If you see a young tree gettin’ it on with some other young tree, give it a little kick in the trunk, maybe rustle its branches, and tell it, “hey, what the hell do you think you’re doing, you punk tree!?”
Pretty soon, if we all pitch in and do this together, we’ll get the plant kingdom — and American society — back on the right track