3,000 miles away, in a land of tobacco and horses, there’s a courageous group fighting the same good goatless fight as ZPG. It’s called the
Childhood Goat Trauma Foundation (I’m not making it up), and it’s been around for more than 25 years. Not only do they have a sterling website dedicated to GTA (Goat Trauma Avoidance), they also apparently have an Investigative Team (which has kidnapped suspicious goats and shut-down evil goat farms) AND a Strike Force (which has thwarted terrorist goat plots). I am duly impressed, and jealous.
On the CGTF website, which is full of valuable information about rogue goats, rebel goats, terrorist goats, disturbed goats, and deranged goats (I’m not making any of this up, I swear), there’s a simple set of rules to live goatlessly by:
*don’t leave urban areas
*be suspicious of all farm animals
*avoid petting zoos (send a double instead!)
There’s also a simple set of rules to consult if the worst happens, and you do encounter a goat:
*don’t turn your back!
*stay away from younger goats!
*don’t seek safety up a tree
Date: Fri Jan 21, 2005 10:11:41 AM US/Eastern
Subject: I’M A VICTIM! …
When i was a child a herd of wild bloodthirsty goats charged through our home, we had no idea what was happening, tiny furry horned monstrosities tore through our home eating all in their path. My mother and i where the only survivors and we did this by hanging from the celing fan. When the herd passed all that they left where a few scraps of wood, and blood stains on the foundation of our home. We found a few bones and a tooth that was dna tested and they where that of my sister, there was nothing to be found of my father. Ever since i have taken a role as vigilante bounty hunter and goat exterminator. The goats had driven me to a state of dependace upon drugs and alchohol. I have murdered over 6,000 goats both large and pigmy and have a horn from each. Since my discovery of your foundation i have been greatly relieved to find that many people have also experienced such tradgedies. I can never thank you enough, if it weren’t for you i’d still be a drunk slaughtering goats with an assault rifle across the country.
There’s also this frightful message; the most terrifying letter this goat hater has ever seen:
Date: Wed May 5, 2004 5:32:38 PM US/Eastern
Help! please I don’t know how they found me but they got in the house and they are gnawing through the door. Please you are the only one who can help me. Send the police they bit the telephone lines. they are her fjsdiasoi;afgao;dsf fhelpl mdjfsadfjsd help ee afdsfjdfj send sd dskfs;lflddjgajhelfglafdjikfesoelp sen
Hats off to the CGTF, for their valiant efforts in the never-ending struggle against goats and the evil they embody.