FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Zero Per Gallon is embarking on a journey of scientific discovery. The mysteries of burrito fuel are about to be unlocked, and the powerful truth revealed.
The bike lifestyle apparel brand will be partnering with the prestigious* Secondary Academy for Success, one of the preeminent secondary education establishments of Bothell, Washington, to determine the legitimacy of the 53 Miles Per Burrito claim, once and for all. The Secondary Academy for Success, a 9-12th grade secondary institution known for its focus on Academia and Success, has been written up in such publications as The Bothell Reporter, The Zero Per Gallon Blog, and Bothell.pi.
“The idea for this project was born the moment I saw the t-shirt,” says Chief Researcher and Professor of Awesome at SAS Mike Wierusz. “I lost countless nights of sleep wondering if the statement was really true. Can you really get 53 miles per burrito?”
The project is not without its risks. Kit Kohler, President and Big Kahuna of Zero Per Gallon, at first felt hesitant to allow the company to be involved in a project that could shake the very foundations of its most popular product, the 53 Miles Per Burrito T-Shirt. “I was both thrilled and terrified by the prospect of validating or invalidating Johnny5′s burrito fuel efficiency estimate,” says Mr. Kohler. “It figuratively took my breath away.” Wierusz had his own concerns about how the study could backfire. “My concern with this research is that it comes at the tail end of deep conversations and debates on greenhouse gases (methane, etc.). With all this burrito consumption, will we be doing more harm than good?” In the end, it was decided that the truth needed to get out.
Stratagems for accomplishing their lofty research goal were immediately discussed, including “an exhaustive search of taquerias in the greater Seattle area,” with an eye towards burrito volume and density, ingredient variations, and “the effectiveness of burrito additives such as Guacamole.” In the end, corporate interests won out as Burrito Behemoth Chipotle took a considerable financial interest** in the project.
A web page has been set up to document the study. Research began today.
Zero Per Gallon and its Big Kahuna regard education as paramount to the future of our nation and any humor or sarcasm found within this article is intended to be directed only at Zero Per Gallon and its subsidiaries, not at the brilliant educational prowess of Mister Wierusz, MAT, LEED AP, or the fine, upstanding and well-behaved students of The Secondary Academy for Success.
* All judgements are based strictly on biased conjecture.
** An as yet to be determined number of burritos, estimated somewhere between 10 and 18.