jonny5's flickr photos

Zero Per Gallon's story

What started out -- in a moment of caffeine-induced glory, back in October of 2005 -- as a mere sticker poking fun of greedy idiots careening around with 250 extra horsepower of cushy leather seats and noisy, polluting, internal combustion engines only to sit in traffic with other morons has since become so much more, thanks to the head-honchoship of Jonny5, Zero Per Gallon's sole representative to the world's entire human population.

Since founding Zero Per Gallon, Jonny5 has demonstrated inspiring, innovative, constructive leadership. Jonny5 has sold thousands of ZPG stickers and patches and belts to awesome people around the world -- from Scotland to Japan, and from Atlanta to Seattle. Bike shops, bookstores, and cafes in Washington, D.C, Denver, Boulder, Minneapolis, and San Francisco carry ZPG merchandise. It's this kind of business savvy that has won Jonny5 wide recognition.

As the big kahuna at ZPG, Jonny5 serves on five influential committees, four very-important task-forces, three prestigious executive councils, two top-secret board groups, and one all-encompassing trade association. Since taking the helm as chief executive big banana of ZPG, Jonny5 has been a strong voice for ZPG in Washington, working tirelessly to promote the ZPG agenda:

Prior to his election as the ZPG big enchilada, Jonny5 was the leading goatless leader in America. Since founding FGCA (Future Goatless Crusaders of America) 15 years ago, he has presided over, consulted for, advised, or otherwise counseled and guided nearly every goatless association in America, including People for the Goatless Way, Americans for an Entirely Goatless Society, the Union of Concerned Goatless Freaks, Americans for Goat Reform, the Center for Goat Restraint, Concerned Goatless Advocates for America, the Goatless Research Council, Goatless Folks for Choice, the Advisory Committee on Goats and the Damage They Cause, Consumers United for a Goatless America, Washingtonians for a Goatless Majority, and the Association of Eastern Goatless Crusaders. He served on the President's Why-Not-All-Furry-Farm-Animals-Are-Good Executive Council, and has the distinction of having served as the chairman of the board of USBGOG (United States Board of Goatless Oversight Groups) longer than anyone else in history, an indication of the confidence, faith, and trust that the people of his homeland have regarding him.

Jonny5 has received various prestigious awards and recognitions, including NAAMBNEATG's (North American Association of Mostly But-Not-Entirely Absurd Trade Groups) Antigoat Crusader of the Year (2001-2004); the National Goatless Club's 2005 Annual Achievement Award; the National Goatless Enforcement Association's Citizen Rights Defender Award; the American Goatless Federation's No Friend of Goats Farm Bureau Award; the Southern Texas Association of Goatless Farmers' Fighter for Goatless Enterprise Award; and the North American Association of Residents Against Any Goats in My Back Yard International Leadership Legislative Award. Jonny5 also received an honorary degree in Goat Studies from Harvard University.

Jonny5 is also a former winner of the USTHC (United States Turtle Hurdling Championship), the WVC (World Velcro Championships), and the NYMSFAEYMJ (National Yo' Mamma's So Fat Award for Excellence in Yo' Mamma Jokes).

Jonny5 is currently the Head Coach of the NFT (National Fun Team), the Ranking Bearded Member of DCPAC (the DC Pirates Awesomeness Committee), an Honorary Fellow of HAHAS (the Hanover Association of Humor And Satire), Special Assistant to the USDRD (United States Department of Redundancy Department), Managing Director of the USOT (United States Obvious Team), and Chief Operating Officer of J5CGSS (the Jonny5 Center for Giggling and Silly Stuff).

Jonny5 is also an active hitchiker, skinny-dipper, rodeo-attender, stick-of-butter-eater, tornado-survivor, spell-checker, slackline-walker, internet-user, trackstand-trickster, jello-bather, acronym-user, pineapple-wearer, deodorant-abandoner, litter-picker-upper, and hyphen-user. He's a sucky marathon-runner, a fierce grommet-installer, a buoyant swimmer, a respectable pasta-cooker, an advanced duct-taper, a long-armed climber, a generous cat-adopter, a diligent bike-builder, an alert grammarian, and a tireless anti-goat crusader. And he really enjoys swearing at bad drivers.

Jonny5 has two sweet bikes: Paducah and Attila... AND NO GOATS!

Jonny5 has consistently stood strong with the brave men and women who ride hard and believe in ZPG, and will continue to do so until he's hobbling around on crutches, pooping in a diaper, slurping dinner out of a straw in Boca Raton, mumbling about the good old days when bikes were made of lugged steel and not some fancy-shamncy space age carbon fiber mumbo jumbo.

Jonny5: working really really REALLY hard for the ZPG community, for families in the hood, and for the American friggin' homeland.

*also, Jonny5 (like the robot in Short Circuit) is alive! But make no mistake: he is not actually a robot.

Contact

His Royal Excellence the Honorable Plenipotentiary Head Honcho Chief Executive Big Banana of ZPG, Mr. Jonny5, can be reached at:


May the FSM (Flying Spaghetti Monster) bless you.