Zero Per Gallon is embarking on a journey of scientific discovery. The mysteries of burrito fuel are about to be unlocked, and the powerful truth revealed.

The bike lifestyle apparel brand will be partnering with the prestigious* Secondary Academy for Success, one of the preeminent secondary education establishments of Bothell, Washington, to determine the legitimacy of the 53 Miles Per Burrito claim, once and for all. The Secondary Academy for Success, a 9-12th grade secondary institution known for its focus on Academia and Success, has been written up in such publications as The Bothell Reporter, The Zero Per Gallon Blog, and Bothell.pi.

“The idea for this project was born the moment I saw the t-shirt,” says Chief Researcher and Professor of Awesome at SAS Mike Wierusz. “I lost countless nights of sleep wondering if the statement was really true.  Can you really get 53 miles per burrito?”

The project is not without its risks. Kit Kohler, President and Big Kahuna of Zero Per Gallon, at first felt hesitant to allow the company to be involved in a project that could shake the very foundations of its most popular product, the 53 Miles Per Burrito T-Shirt. “I was both thrilled and terrified by the prospect of validating or invalidating Johnny5′s burrito fuel efficiency estimate,” says Mr. Kohler. “It figuratively took my breath away.” Wierusz had his own concerns about how the study could backfire. “My concern with this research is that it comes at the tail end of deep conversations and debates on greenhouse gases (methane, etc.).  With all this burrito consumption, will we be doing more harm than good?” In the end, it was decided that the truth needed to get out.

Stratagems for accomplishing their lofty research goal were immediately discussed, including “an exhaustive search of taquerias in the greater Seattle area,” with an eye towards burrito volume and density, ingredient variations, and “the effectiveness of burrito additives such as Guacamole.” In the end, corporate interests won out as Burrito Behemoth Chipotle took a considerable financial interest** in the project.

A web page has been set up to document the study. Research began today.

Zero Per Gallon and its Big Kahuna regard education as paramount to the future of our nation and any humor or sarcasm found within this article is intended to be directed only at Zero Per Gallon and its subsidiaries, not at the brilliant educational prowess of Mister Wierusz, MAT, LEED AP, or the fine, upstanding and well-behaved students of The Secondary Academy for Success.
* All judgements are based strictly on biased conjecture.
** An as yet to be determined number of burritos, estimated somewhere between 10 and 18.

Limited edition Holiday 2010 53 Miles Per Burrito Tees

I like the holidays, what can I say. Twinkling lights, gifts, parasitic plants that offer an excuse to make out with someone at random. So this year, I’m not stopping with the free shipping. No way. Instead, I’m excited to introduce you to the new, limited edition holiday tee collection.

First off are the special, holiday-ish Navy and Cranberry colors–the perfect attire for your company’s black tie event (just tie an inner tube around your neck). Printed up just for the holidays, not only are these shirts a in new colors, they also were printed using a special water-based, dye removing formula. Consider it our holiday gift to mother nature (and our t-shirt printer. Plus, it results in an awesome, slightly off-white color underneath. There are close-up shots on each that really show you how cool these are. Cranberry and Navy tees are available in sizes S – XL.

And if drop bars and downtube shifters aren’t hip enough for you, our special edition fixed gear tee is hella what you need. Designed for Trickster Treat, a Halloween Alleycat in San Francisco, it features ZPG and I <3 TL (Tenderloin) spoke cards, a red toe strap, and glow in the dark aerospokes. Hot damn, that’s a fly ride. A portion of the proceeds from the fixie shirts will go to Up On Top, an after school program for disadvantaged kids in San Francisco. Sized only in M – L.

So there you have it. Order away before they’re all gone, and don’t forget to take advantage of the free shipping on orders over $30.

To encourage you to share the righteousness with all the bikey people in your life, domestic shipping on orders of $30 or more is FREE until December 10 15. There are plenty of ways to hit that mark. Here are a few badical suggestions:

• 2 cozy T-shirts
• 25 bitchin’ stickers plus 2 righteous patches!
• 1 radical T-shirt plus 10 stickers (or 2 patches)
• 50 kick-ass stickers!!$!
• 6 hot-to-trot patches!!!

Stay tuned for more holiday announcements coming up, including some holiday-only colors of our most popular tee. I can’t wait to get them in my (very sanitary and not at all grubby or little) hands.

Back in October, when I placed placed the last order, Jeff, owner of the loin, shot some footage of the shirts rolling off the assembly line and posted it up to his blog. It’s pretty rad to see the shirts coming to life.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Now that you know where ZPG shirts come from, maybe you should go pick yours up *hint*hint*. I’m now accepting orders on M-XL 53 Miles Per Burrito shirts. They should ship by mid-week. The blue and gray non-goofed $0.00 9/10ths will be up by the weekend.

Many of us have engorged ourselves on the trimmings of the season and the year is finally at an end. 2009 kind of stuck it to a lot of people, many close to me, so I can’t say I’m sad to see it go. 2010 marks a new beginning for a lot of things, including Zero Per Gallon. Jonny will be sailing off into the sunset, beginning his mission to eradicate Sea Goats from the Pacific. Meanwhile back on land, I will be moving forward with Zero Per Gallon’s mission to continue to encourage people to get on the bike, and to feel even better about getting on the bike than they already do. Which is a pretty darn tall order.

The holidays consumed a lot of my time with a trip back east. I’ve fallen behind on my inventory of 53 Miles Per Burrito shirts, but by early to mid January we should have the Large and Extra Large shirts back in stock. Also in 2010, you should expect to see some new products popping up on the site. In the hopper as well are some limited edition collabo’s t-shirts that you stylish folk may be excited about. I’m also working an angle on another collaboration that may result in a new jewelry line.

I’m also planning on hitting the ground running on my search for some worthy bicycle shops across the nation to begin carrying our product. The response to the 53 Miles Per Burrito shirt really is phenomenal, and I know anecdotally that as soon as the shops start carrying our shirts, they start flying off the shelves. If you know of a shop that you think is right for ZPG, let me know.

I’ve got a lot of high hopes for 2010, and I hope you do too. The cycling community is unlike anything I’ve ever known. Its appeal spans from neon-lycra wearers to hipsters, from dot com geniuses to fanatically conservative Texas Republicans. We’re all just linked together around the chainrings of this thing called a bicycle, and yet most of the time, that is enough. You folks are the reason this little business works, and so you’re who it works for. So raise a glass to yourselves–you’ve earned it.

May your 2010 reveal new routes that take your breath away (literally or metaphorically, your choice), may you put more miles on your pair of wheels than ever have before, and may you have warm tailwinds in all your pursuits. Happy New Year.

Be one of the first 10 tee orders, get a free patch.

Welp, the new tee’s are in, and there are some really good deals to be had. First of all, to celebrate our ridding of Zazzle, the first ten people to pick up a 53 Miles Per Burrito shirt will get a free ZPG patch included. They’re freakin awesome, and you’d normally have to drop five bucks on one any other time. Right now, throw down $19 bucks and get both.

Secondly, we goofed our print graphic on the $0.00 9/10ths shirts, meaning the Zero Per Gallon shirts have a little printing mistake. We don’t feel right selling them to you for full price, so we’re selling them for 10 bucks. We’re hardly making anything on it, so take us up on the offer before these are gone.

All the tees are printed on nice, cozy, tight-knit American Apparel t-shirts. ZPGs are in slate gray, 53 mpbs are in black.

Hey there Portland! We know you guys have some pretty gnarly streetcar tracks, too. And considering the massive amount of rainfall you guys get, those slippery buggers sound like a nightmare, not to mention the crocodiles waiting on the roadside for hapless cyclists.  So when Powell’s Books asked us why we didn’t just print up a batch of I [crash] PDX stickers, we figured, hey, the locals must be onto something.

Pick some up in our store (or at Powell’s), but remember, this guy is a stunt icon–don’t try this out there on the road. Keep the rubber side down, and for god sakes, put on a parka or something. It’s wet out there.

This is a very un-ZPG process. We like simple. We like recyclables. And we like straightforward. So in the next month or so, ZPG will be ridding ourselves of Zazzle once and for all, and shipping out shirts ourselves.

What this means
Since I have not decided to invest $18,000 on an on-demand t-shirt printing set-up and our warehouse space (closet) is a little too committed to flannel from my 90′s grunge era to match the product depth of Zazzle’s offerings, this is going to mean our selection will be diminished. So consider this fair warning, if your biological clock has been screaming at you to buy that 53 Miles Per Burrito onesie, you better do it now, baby or no baby.

However, if you’re one of the majority who just wants a nice looking t-shirt with one of our designs on it, you should be happy. The new shirts will be printed on nice, fitted tees. The Zero Per Gallon design will be on a classic Blue, and the 53 Miles Per Burrito on a hot little black number. Domestic shipping will be less than with Zazzle, and they’ll come in Polyelofin, which is recyclable (depending on where you’re located). I’ll even throw in a sticker or two. And when we get these freaking awesome shirts in, they’ll be even cheaper than the cheap ones on Zazzle.

Keep watching, because between now and then I might just offer a pre-order deal. In the meantime, buy that Zazzle merch you’ve been eying before it’s discontinued.

OK, that’s understating things. Kit really is awesome. He rode from SF to LA a few weeks ago, and literally carried three stranded elderly people 42 miles on his Xtracycle because it was just the right thing to do. They were lost, and dehydrated, and their Oldsmobile had broken down, so he strapped ‘em on with bungee cords, and gave them some old sweaty shirts to use as bandanas, so that dust wouldn’t get in their noses. Pretty crafty, huh? When feeble old people get lost and need carrying, look no further than Kit Kohler. That’s what kind of upstanding citizen he is. He’s also funny, and full of energy, and loves bikes a lot (but not too much; he’s never tried to smell my seat or lick my top tube or anything.)

Anyway, I am honored and humbled and inspired that Kit is taking over ZPG. I’m also grateful that he sat down for the following interview.

So, ladies and gentlemen of the bicycle kingdom, behold Kit Kohler, the new Chief Executive Presidente Extraordinaire of Zero Per Gallon.

*** *** *** *** ***

Jonny5: Hi Kit.
Kit: Hola compadre.

Would you prefer to go by “Chief Executive Presidente Extraordinaire”or “Big Banana” or “Head Honcho” or some other more grandiose title?
I am still running focus groups on a number of titles. For the time being, I will accept the title “The Dude.”

Cool, The Dude. Can I remain Head Honcho Emeritus?
For sure. And believe me, I will be making use of your clout for years to come. In a few years, when you return from sea, don’t be surprised to see images of yourself selling Japanese soft drinks. Next time you might want to read the fine print on those fancy legal contracts.

Oh crap. How did I miss that? Did I miss a bunch of other stuff? Are you secretly a closeted goat lover? Let’s set the record straight: do you hate goats?
Hate is a strong word I reserve for organizations that picket funerals. Goats have not yet earned this feeling from me, but suffice it to say in the past few months, I have certainly developed a profound distrust.

Hmmm, sounds like you’re equivocating. Have you ever gone to a costume party dressed up as a goat?
Never.

Have you ever gotten so drunk at a costume party that you maybe passed out, or flirted with someone in a goat costume, or don’t really remember what you did to/with someone in a goat costume?
I have no idea what you’re talking about. Next question.

Do you have friends who are the type of friends who, if you passed out at a costume party, or maybe tried to dry-hump a person in a goat costume, would, like, maybe dress you up as a goat or take incriminating photos?
This is ridiculous. Can we talk about ZPG again?

I AM talking about ZPG! Are your friends technologically savvy? Do they know how to take photos? Do they know how to use the internet? I mean, are there photos of you dressed up as a goat, humping some other dressed-up goat, on Facebook? Do I need to prepare myself for this type of shock?
I think this question will have to be addressed by my press secretary. Unfortunately I haven’t hired one yet, so I guess it will have to wait.

Damnit! Stonewalling, huh? You won’t get away with this for long. So… are you gonna, like, bring ZPG into the next millennium and make it all web-2.0 and stuff?
Web 2.0? How quaint. I plan to have ZPG operating to Web 18.75 standards by 2010, an entire decade before anyone is even aware of what this level of sophistication is. I’m aiming for the history books.

Cool, cause I just read that book about John Adams, and I think a little ZPG stuff would go well in between the love letters than John and Abigail sent to each other. But really: are you gonna change the ZPG brand at all? I mean, in addition to the ZPG and 53mpb stickers and patches and shirts, are you gonna make an “I heart goats” design? Maybe, in your case, you should make an “I got drunk at a costume party and my friends dressed me up like a goat and made me do terrible terrible things and then they took photos and posted them on the internet” design. You could be the first person to model the design, too. Think that would sell?
Alright, enough already. I was 19. I was in (rural) Alberta, Canada, and everyone insisted it was a local tradition. Can we move on now?.

I knew it!
Hey, that was more than 10 years ago. I’ve changed.

Oh yeah? So what’s your deal these days? What kind of life does a former goat lover live? I mean, you live in the Bay Area. Do you, like, wake up and do yoga and drink foofy coffee drinks and, like, do some sort of tech/computer work and only eat free-range quinoa grown by disabled orphans with AIDS in africa that you bought from deaf midgets at a farmer’s market and spend your evenings phonebanking for the libertarian candidate for governor, what’s his face?
Here in The Higher Power’s Land — I am a native North Californian — we respect all living things, treat our bodies as temples, grow deeper with the universe through a medicinal plant known as Cannibus and on the odd occasion, refer to ourselves as “I and I.” I’m a vegetarian, I work for a company I still can’t describe in five words or less, and I only eat the disabled orphan African stuff because it tastes better.

What? You eat disabled African orphans? That’s awful!
No, no — I eat the disabled African orphan brand of quinoa. I mean, jeez, I’m a vegetarian.

Oh. Right. Of course. So do you like the Governator? Are you gonna send him any stickers for his SUV’s?
He’s from the future. There are bigger things on his mind than the health of our planet. Robots have taken over civilization.

Is that why you ride a bike? Because it’s, you know, all manual and not automatic/electronic/robotic?
Yeah, totally. No matter what goes down, me and my bike will survive.

Do you have any pets? You probably have like 14 of those tiny hairless dogs with huge bat ears, right?
I have two cats.

Are they hairless or are they awesome? And do they have awesome names like “Awesome” or “Brilliant” or “Fantastic” or “Stellar”??
They are hairier than you can imagine, and they are sterling, and I have all sorts of disgustingly cute names for my cats which I am unwilling to disclose at this time. Maybe if you hadn’t brought up the goat incident I’d feel more willing to share.

I apologize, The Dude. But are you claiming you can conjure up a greater degree of hairiness than I can? Are you stepping?
Dude – my cats are hairier than your mom!

Ohhhhh! Nice! Two points to The Dude!
Thanks. I feel better now.

Good, cause I wanna ask you more about goats. Do you have any stuffed goats?
No matter how many times you offer, I really don’t have the space for that trophy goat head, and I really don’t agree that it would look good in my living room above the mantle.

Oh yeah? Are you, like, some design genius too? Are you an expert in Feng shui? What do you know about the aesthetic value of beheaded goats?
My partner, Jakki, nixed the idea, OK?

Wait, you’re married?
Yeah, I’m married to an extremely passionate cyclist. Not to get too smooshy, but she’s one of the reasons I’m so passionate about cycling as a lifestyle. She’s just as committed. Heck, she’s rocking a ZPG sticker on her bike alongside “Mend your Fuelish Ways.” Needless to say we get about 2 gigabytes of email a day from activists. My spam filter has actually given up and is now trying to buy a plane ticket to the North Pole to save endangered polar bears.

Whoa, the awesomeness of Jakki and your spam filter rivals that of my former cat. But that’s beside the point. Allow me to get all smooshy: does Jakki have stinky biker feet like the rest of us? Or, like, huge nasty bunions and callouses?
I will not disparage Jakki’s feet. She’s very well balanced.

Does she know about that little Canadian goat incident in your past?
No comment. But Canadian Goat Incident would be a good name for a band.

Yeah, totally.
[Laughs.]

Do you own a car?
I do. I bought a Subaru Outback five years ago. It sits for months without being driven, and I forget to turn off the interior lights and I have to jump start it every time I want to drive it. I also frequently find myself terrified by driving it. I mean, to put it into D&D terminology, switching from a bike to a car is like: – 160 Vision, + 200 Attack Damage.

Huh? Are you one of those Dungeons and Dragons megadorks? Because you don’t seem like a megadork. In fact, you have some pretty hip striped shirts that remind me, in a good way, of the stuff I wore back in elementary school — when life was innocent and straightforward and everything was cool and exciting. What’s the deal? I mean, I just wear jeans and a t-shirt, and half the time it’s a ZPG shirt, and people are like, “I wish gas was that cheap,’ and I’m like, “well it would be if you rode a bike,” and they’re like totally stumped – but whenever you wear your striped shirts I’m just like, “that guy’s cool.” I’m not sure if this is even a question, but tell me about your style anyway, and reassure me that you’re not a megadork.
First of all, I can’t help but notice that somehow we were all effortlessly cool in elementary school. I know I have a few photos that tickle my narcissistic tendencies every time I see them. They’re proudly on display in my Facebook album entitled “Kit – The Early Years” in case you wanna see ‘em. And no, there are no goat-related pictures there. Then high school happened, the grunge scene, you know, it wasn’t so great for men. My heart still flutters when I see a girl wearing a skirt with black tights and Doc Martens, but flannel wasn’t so kind to men. Then I put on about 20 pounds in college, so that wasn’t so great, either, though by then I was developing the style I have today. Finally, I got out and discovered the bicycle, lost the pudge, and started to look really sharp, I think. I’m certainly a fan of stripes, but I’m an even bigger fan of Argyle. I don’t know if this will ever show up in future products for Zero Per Gallon, but I wouldn’t rule it out.

How do you feel about velcro?
It’s an amazing technological breath-through. Who knew they could so effectively replicate the sound of ripping polyester?

If you had an unlimited supply of velcro, and a BB gun, and whole bunch of jalapeno peppers, and knowledge that a certain petting zoo known to harbor goats had very lax security, what would you do?
No comment.

Stonewalling will get you nowhere.
No comment! I’m a married man and can’t engage in certain shenanigans anymore!

But sometimes life presents amazing opportunities, you know?
Fine: I’d give you a call.

That’s what I’m talking about. You’re a smart one, The Dude.
I know, I know.

Have you ever been hit by a car?
I have not. I am currently knocking on wood.

Do you have a real job?
I do. My title is 40 characters long.

Um, so you know how to read and write and count really really well?
Totally. My pen is a sword. And I mean one of those bad-ass Samurai swords, not that sissy s#!+ the French used to poke each other with in Shakespeare. In fact, this type-written interview is pretty much transcribed from the original, which was written in the blood of my enemies.

That’s awesome. I like your attitude. How are you gonna spice things up at ZPG?
I’m planning on introducing casual Fridays at the office, and by casual I mean nude. Unfortunately we have no office and I would probably be arrested for walking around San Francisco in the nude, so this may have to wait until we’ve garnered a greater market share.

Whoa whoa whoa, that business jargon is going way over my head. Let’s use language I can understand. What about the quality control process I used to call ” Look In The Friggin’ Envelope To Make Sure No Goats Snuck In There While I Was Busy Checking Out Crazy Stuff On The Internet” – are you gonna continue with that?
Before investing in Zero Per Gallon, I did extensive market research to determine customer-satisfaction and brand-recall rates in Men and Women between the ages of 18 and 34. The results seem to verify that your aforementioned process has been working flawlessly, and that if any goats have infiltrated your packaging, the recipient was either too frightened or too thrilled to levy any sort of complaint against Zero Per Gallon or you, Jonny5.

I knew it all along, but thanks. How many bikes do you have? Do they have names? Describe them in poems, please.
My first bike is a craptastic big-box-sports-store faux-mountain bike. Yes, I know, total newb bike, but I have her covered on my deck because I can’t bear to part with her.

Ode to a Mongoose
Who danced like a whale
I didn’t know when I bought you
I should have gone with hardtail

I may talk badly
of your creaks and your groans.
But any others who slight you
will get my fist to their nose.

My other bike is pretty much my sole method of transportation–a Surly Long Haul Trucker. She’s my do-everything bike from commuting to grocery hauling to touring. Her name is Gladys.

She’s steel and she’s muscle,
not nimble but smooth.
She isn’t a racehorse,
But she knows how to move.

She’s soft as a cloud.
She’s tougher than grit.
She’s chipped and she’s weathered,
and she don’t give a shit.

Nicely done. You sound like a true devotee. Any thoughts on bicycle rockstardom lately?
Most people with email addresses seem to think Danny MacAskill is a bicycle rockstar — they forward me that video of his trials riding about three times a day. But I think everyone who gets the message behind Zero Per Gallon is a bicycle rockstar. Cars are a foregone conclusion in our culture — our infrastructure is set up for it, and everyone in a car is convinced that you’re nuts to use a bike for real-life every-day transportation. I can’t tell you how many times people have done a double take and asked me, “you rode here?” This is something everyone under pedal power hears on a weekly basis. But the more you show people that it’s do-able, that you’re doing it in normal clothes or that you’re a regular person and not some lycra-bound athlete with monster thighs, the more you whittle away at all the voices, the little excuses, telling them that cycling as a lifestyle is just too inconvenient. If you’re a cyclist, you are making a difference every time you throw your leg over the top tube, whether you realize it or not. Your friends and family have noticed what you’re doing. Every time they see you and your bike they’re reminded, encouraged, and inspired to be something better. If that’s not being a bicycle rockstar, I’m not sure what is.

I heard Lance Armstrong likes to go on long rides all caffeinated up on that Rockstar energy drink. Wouldn’t that, technically, also sometimes make him a bicycle rockstar?
Sometimes, sure. But not after the caffeine wears off.

Kohier — isn’t that like the faucet company? Was your great great great greateat grandfather a faucet inventor?
You are too kind. I usually refer to it as the name you see shortly before you send last night’s dinner a-packing. It’s no relation, but seriously, how many people get to saddle up to a urinal, turn to the guy next to them and say, “Hey, this one has my name on it.”

Is there any chance that your great great great great grandfather was also a goatherder, and if so, is there a damn good reason you didn’t bring this to my attention before I signed all those legal documents?
I knew this would come to light eventually. Luckily it didn’t before you signed the legally binding paperwork. If you have a problem you can phone my lawyer. His name? Hans Ziege.

How excited are you?
I’m about to lose control, and I think I like it.

That’s me! That’s me! I’ve written an awesome interview with Evan P. Schneider, the awesome editor of the awesome “Boneshaker: A Bicycling Almanac.”

Buy a copy now and save it for your great grandkids! Send it to me for a real live autograph! Or just read it, cause it’s great.

Here’s another teaser (without the vowels removed):

…Is a symbol enough? No way. It’s just a symbol. I mean, I can’t eat the word CHEERIOS for breakfast. For god sakes, I’d much rather live in a world in which everybody rides bikes and nobody buys my stickers because they’re just so damned obvious. I’d love to see the day when, riding hands-free, some girl checks her email on her iPhone, clicks on a link her grandma emailed to her, ends up on ZeroPerGallon.com, and is like, “Geez, grandma, the symbolic gesture here is so L-A-M-E,” and then watches the latest Justin Timberlake Jr. video and is like, “That’s what I’m talkin’ about,” and then puts her hands back on the bars to take some wicked tight turns on a crazy descent.

But thanks for calling it powerful, ubiquitous, and semiotically-interesting. I appreciate that. To take a Kindergartener’s approach, “If you love it so much, why don’t you marry it?”

But really: the numbers do speak for themselves. That’s why my stickers keep selling. The loading of anger/contempt/etc. is only done by my words, on my website, and intended as sort of a comfort — a soft welcome mat, or a clean, dry bench in a heavy rain — for bicyclists who visit my website. “Aha,” I hope they’ll say. “This guy understands my situation. He feels like I do. He’s just like me. Except hairier, and taller, and better looking, and more awesome.” (Just kidding about that last part.)