Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What's with the goats?
A: I hate them.
Q: Can you be friends with people who have goats?
A: Nope. I mean, can you be partly vegetarian? Or just a little bit celibate? When it comes to goats, there's no room for moral lassitude. My life is goatless, and I like it that way. The evidence shows that the world would be better without goats.
Q: What evidence? Why would the world be better off?
A: Goats embody evil. They need to be stopped.
Q: What if you were throwing a costume party, and one of your friends dressed up like a goat?
A: Fake goats are fine. Real goats are the problem. Some would say our biggest problem. But really, what friend of mine would dress up like a goat? That's a risky move amigo.
Q: What would you do if someone sent you goat photos or drawings?
A: I'd make an example out of that person on my blog, then incinerate the offensive documents.
Q: How about this: what if a goat ordered some ZPG stickers and patches?
A: No dice. I screen my buyers very strictly, and only sell ZPG products to humans and bicycles. Besides, goats are so stupid they can't even use the internet.
Q: What if someone, say, at a crazy petting zoo, like, um, taught a goat how to ride a bike, you know, like for the circus or whatever, and wanted to get a ZPG sticker - what then?
A: Nope, sorry. 100% goatless means absolutely no goats. Hats off to that petting zoo trainer, though, for smacking some sense into that dumb goat. Teaching a goat how to ride a bike is like teaching a rock how to microwave a pizza.
Q: Do you think the goats of the world are, as we speak, creating some sort of counter-attack strategy? Like, do you think they're discussing the idea of being 100% Jonny5less?
A: No way. Goats are notoriously bad at critical thinking.
Q: Did you ever experience any sort of traumatic emotional event involving a goat?
A: No comment.
Q: How long have you hated goats?
A: Since middle school. That's when I got into politics. I served for a few weeks as the JAAMCMRLLLSMAFF (Junior Assistant Associate Manager of the Committee to Make Recess Less Lame and Less Short and More Awesome and Fun-Filled), and then I started thinking, goats or no goats? I sensed danger lurking, you know? So I founded FGCA (Future Goatless Crusaders of America). It's been a wild ride since then.
Q: So do you eat goat cheese?
A: Sure, as long as it's not coming straight out of a live goat.
Q: What about llamas?
A: What do you mean, what about llamas? Llamas are fine. I have a friend who grew up on a llama farm. Her llamas are awesome and she's awesome.
Q: So what's so bad about goats?
A: I hate them, and they need to be stopped. Next question.
Q: Do you have a policy on returns/exchanges of ZPG products?
A: Of course - I have a policy on everything! As is written on page 187 of the ZPG manual, I guarantee all ZPG products to be 100% goatless, or your money back.
Q: How do you guarantee that your products are goatless?
A: Via a thorough screening process that I call Look In The Friggin' Envelope To Make Sure No Goats Snuck In There While I Was Busy Checking Out Crazy Stuff On The Internet.
Q: Sounds robust and foolproof.
A: It is.
Q: Has the system ever failed?
A: Nope. I'm batting 1000 over here.
Q: Will I instantly be more cool if I purchase a ZPG sticker or patch?
A: Yes, absolutely. You'll be a bicycle rockstar.
Q: What do you mean, a bicycle rockstar?
A: Are you kidding? Until recently, riding a bike was dorky. People would laugh at you. Now it's hip and trendy. Biking is making a comeback. Besides, driving everywhere is just idiotic, and people are tired of it. Show some friggin pride - it's the velorution.
Q: If my name is George Saunders, and I ride a bike, can I have a free sticker?
A: Hells yeah. If your name is George Saunders, I've read all of your books and stories, and you're one funny dude.
Q: What if my name is George Saunders, and I ride a bike, but I also own a few goats?
A: For you, George, I'll make an exception.
Q: I've noticed that Mike's Bikes, of San Francisco, has a logo similar to yours -- are you two affiliated?
A: Absolutely not. I came up with the $0.00 slogan first, and they stole it. Bastards.
Q: Why don't you trademark the $0.00 thing?
A: I can't. It's just a number. I mean, come on, you can't trademark, like, the number 7. Good idea, though - I'd be a rich man if I had all the rights to the number 7.
Q: Who designed your website?
A: Evander Skowlifield created the original design. I have modified it.
Q: Modified it?
A: Yeah, I invented a new font specifically for the site, called Sans Goat. The kerning is slightly tighter than in other typefaces. That way, no goats can squeeze between the letters.
Q: OK, I wanna know about you. You were born in a blizzard...
A: Yeah, it was friggin' snowy.
Q: Are you related to Jonny5, the robot, from Short Circuit?
A: You could say he's a father figure, sure. Or maybe an inspiration. But come on -- just because I listen to Duran Duran doesn't mean I'm still living in the 80's.
Q: You were the youngest person ever to win the WVC (World Velcro Championships) -- why'd you give it up? What happened?
A: I wanted to retire at the peak of my game. This was back in 1985, when I was 7 years old. Once I made up my mind, I was like, screw velcro. I burned every last velcro product I had, then went out and bought a pair of red lace-up Converse All-Stars. I gave up velcro cold turkey -- haven't touched it since.
Q: You're such a talented wordsmith -- where'd that come from?
A: I went to a spanish-immersion school, and had great teachers. By age 6, I had mastered basic American curse words; by age 7 I had basic Spanish curse words. With that foundation, the rest came naturally.
Q: What's with all the Mcsweeney's pieces reposted on your blog?
A: What can I say? I heart Mcsweeney's. The guys there are great writers. Their pirate supply store in SF, and superhero supply store in NYC are also awesome. Plus they published one of my pieces once.Q: What ever happened to Awesome the cat? Is he, notwithstanding his emasculation, doing OK?
A: Awesome is doing awesomely. He's still roaming around the same 'hood in DC, under the occasional care of my fantastic former neighbors. Last time I caught up with Awesome, in November, he had caught a few mice and grown some pretty sweet cat dreadlocks. He's totally rockin' out in the cat world.
Q: Do you own a car?
A: Nope. I ride my bike everywhere -- to work every day, to parties, to the supermarket, to yoga. Just kidding. I don't do yoga. I did own a car until recently, though. I bought it in Colorado in 2004 for $1. The car's name was Buck. Buck had a ton of miles on him, and slowly disintegrated as I drove him. He and I only went places on weekends. When I sold him, he had a cracked windshield, windows that didn't roll down, a door that didn't open from the inside, a broken heating system, a dysfunctional clock, a clunky speedometer, and no front blinkers. I spent more money on bikes in 2005 than I did on my car.
Q: Have you ever been hit by a car?
A: Yep, thrice.
*Incident #1: In Cambridge, MA, back in 2001, I was riding home from work, and had stopped at a red light when a poor old woman just barely nudged me over from my left side. She was pulling out of a driveway. She looked left, then right, and then took her foot off the brake, and idled into me really really slowly. It was actually pathetic how slow she was going -- maybe 1mph. I banged on her hood as she slowly knocked me over. The result: only my pedals got screwed up, and she reimbursed me for a new pair. Everything else was OK.
*Incident #2: In Cambridge, MA, that same year, a dude blew through a stop sign on my right on his way out of a movie theater, and T-boned me with the front of his car. He was probably going 15 or 20mph. I remember the first thing I noticed as I fishboned and skidded to a stop: an awful sound of metal grating against pavement. It happened so fast that I wasn't sure what was wrong; I knew I'd been hit hard, and figured I was probably injured, but mostly it sounded like my trusty Trek had either split in two or maybe just exploded into pieces. When I stopped (I didn't even fall over), I looked back, and saw that the guy's front license plate was in the road -- he had hit my back wheel square on with the front of his car, and that's what had been making the noise. Of course, while I was processing all of this, I was screaming obscenities at him, and nearly threw my bike into his windshield. That jerk. He apologized, then handed me a $20 and offered me a ride home. Amazing, the only damage was a flat tire and a bent rear wheel. He reimbursed me for the damage, and a few months later I rode that bike across the country.
*Incident #3: In Washington, DC, last winter, I was riding to work down 23rd, and had just entered Washington Circle. An idiotic driver with Virginia plates merged into the circle from K St., and cut right in front of me, then came to a complete stop in the middle of the intersection. I considered swerving left or right into other lanes of traffic, but didn't want to risk it, since I didn't know what other cars were coming up. So I kept my hands on the bars and slammed square on, right into her bumper, literally kissing her trunk in the process. I suffered a bloody lip, and a damaged ego, and bent the frame of my beautiful Gios, named Iago. RIP, Iago.
Q: Have you ever been hit by a goat?
A: No comment.
Q: Do you have a real job?
A: What, is ZPG not real enough for you? Whatever. I also work for a creative communications studio in San Francisco.
Q: Are you a single guy?
A: Yup. I'm an eligible bachelor.
Q: Oh really? Describe yourself...
A: 6' tall. Green eyes. Brown hair. Scruffy. Athletic. Tattoo-less. Piercing-less. Goatless. Well-read. Well-traveled. Outdoorsy. Adventurous. Elitist. Hipster.
Q: You ride a fixed-gear, don't you?
A: Did you not see the words "elitist" and "hipster?" I also ride a regular road bike, and often sport the associated lycra acoutrements. Hot, no?
Q: Is there any chance that you're the descendant of goatherders? You know, centuries ago, back in the European hinterland, a lot of folks herded goats.
A: Not a chance. Science has proven that a goatless disposition is genetic. If my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandparents had had the internet back then, you bet they too would have been spouting off about being 100% goatless. It's just one of those family traits.
Q: Have you ever heard of a snurge?
A: Yeah, I looked it up at work one day. A snurge is someone who gets off smelling bike seats.
Q: That's nasty.
A: Yeah, I know. The internet is great, isn't it?