Zero Per Gallon's Legal Disclaimer
1 - USER AGREEMENT
2 - TERMS
3 - RISKS
4 - PRIVACY
5 - GENERAL PURPOSE
6 - SECURITY
7 - ABUSE
8 - LINKS
9 - DAMAGES
10 - LIABILITY
11 - JURISDICTION
12 - LIMITATIONS
13 - SMALL PRINT
1) USER AGREEMENT
HEREIN, "YOU" AND "YOUR" AND "YOUR SORRY ASS" AND "SUCKA" REFER TO YOU, YOUR COMPANY, YOUR EMPLOYEES, YOUR REPRESENTATIVES, YOUR ASSIGNS, YOUR MOM, YOUR EMPLOYEES' MOM(S), YOUR REPRESENTATIVES' MOM(S), AND YOUR ASSIGNS MOM(S), AND "I," "MY" OR "ME" OR "YOURS TRULY" OR "HEAD HONCHO" OR "CHIEF EXECUTIVE BIG BANANA" OR "HH/CEBB" OR "J5" OR "JONNY5" REFER TO JONNY5, ZEROPERGALLON, AND ZEROPERGALLON.COM, AS WELL AS COMPANIES, PUBLICATIONS, BUSINESSES, WEBSITES, PARTNERS, PROMOTIONS, REPRESENTATIVES AND ASSIGNS OF JONNY5, ZEROPERGALLON, ZEROPERGALLON.COM, AND ITS SUBSIDIARY COMPANIES, SUBSIDIARY PUBLICATIONS, SUBSIDIARY BUSINESSES, SUBSIDIARY WEBSITES, SUBSIDIARY PARTNERS, SUBSIDIARY PROMOTIONS, SUBSIDIARY REPRESENTATIVES, SUBSIDIARY ASSIGNS, AND SUBSIDIARY SUBSIDIARIES, BUT NOT SUBSIDIARY SUBSIDIARY SUBSIDIARIES, OF ZEROPERGALLON AND ZEROPERGALLON.COM. BY INDICATING YOUR ACCEPTANCE OF THESE TERMS AND CONDITIONS, "YOU" ACKNOWLEDGE AND AGREE TO BE BOUND BY THE CONDITIONS, PROVISIONS, CONSTRAINTS, LIABILITIES, RESPONSIBILITIES, LIMITATIONS, AND OTHER LEGAL MUMBO-JUMBO OF THIS AGREEMENT. IF "YOU" ARE NOT WILLING TO BE BOUND BY THESE CONDITIONS, PROVISIONS, CONSTRAINTS, LIABILITIES, RESPONSIBILITIES, LIMITATIONS, AND OTHER LEGAL MUMBO-JUMBO, DO NOT CHECK THE BOX NEXT TO "I AGREE TO THE FOLLOWING TERMS OF SERVICE AND I AM NOT A HUMAN-GOAT HYBRID." INSTEAD, CHECK THE "I'M AN IDIOT AND MY MOM IS SO FAT THAT JONNY5 ONCE SWERVED TO MISS HER AND RAN OUT OF GAS" BOX.
[ ] -- I AGREE TO THE FOLLOWING TERMS OF SERVICE AND I AM NOT A HUMAN-GOAT HYBRID
[ ] -- I'M AN IDIOT AND MY MOM IS SO FAT THAT JONNY5 ONCE SWERVED TO MISS HER AND RAN OUT OF GAS
BY AGREEING TO THE TERMS OF SERVICE OR BY ACCESSING THIS SITE, "YOU" AGREE, HENCEFORTH, TO BE BOUND BY THE FOLLOWING CONDITIONS, CONSTRAINTS, LIABILITIES, RESPONSIBILITIES, LIMITATIONS, AND OTHER LEGAL MUMBO-JUMBO THERETO.
2) TERMS
BY BROWSING MY SITES, BUYING PRODUCTS ("PRODUCTS") AND SERVICES ("SERVICES") FROM ME, SUBSCRIBING TO ANY PUBLICATION ("PUBLICATION") WRITTEN OR POSTED BY ME, OR READING ("READING") AND IMPLEMENTING INFORMATION ("INFORMATION") PUBLISHED BY ME, "YOU" ACKNOWLEDGE AND AGREE TO THE FOLLOWING TERMS. THIS AGREEMENT IS IN EFFECT IMMEDIATELY AND INDEFINITELY, AND SUPERSEDES ALL OTHER AGREEMENTS MADE, EXPLICIT OR IMPLIED, WRITTEN OR VERBAL, EXCEPT THOSE BETWEEN ME AND YOUR MOM, SUCKA.
3) RISKS
USING A COMPUTER IS AN INHERENTLY RISKY ACTIVITY, AND ZEROPERGALLON WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ILLNESS OR INJURY THAT IS INCURRED WHILE READING ANY ZEROPERGALLON "PUBLICATIONS." EATING, NIBBLING, CHEWING, DRINKING, LAUGHING, BREATHING, TALKING, TYPING, AND MOVING IN ANY WAY ARE NOT RECOMMENDED WHILE READING ZEROPERGALLON, AND "YOU" DO SO AT YOUR OWN RISK. "YOU" ACCEPT THE RISKS OF VISION DAMAGE, LIQUIDS INHALED VIA THE NASAL PASSAGE, SPILLED DRINKS, AND DAMAGE RESULTING FROM SPILLED DRINKS, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO SOILED CLOTHING, DAMAGED ELECTRONICS, AND LOST BEVERAGE CONTENTS, AS WELL AS PERSONAL ANATOMICAL INJURIES. ZEROPERGALLON WILL NOT BE HELD LIABLE FOR DRIED OUT OR LIQUIDY EYES, EXCESSIVE OR NOT-EXCESSIVE BLINKING, BLURRY VISION, OR SLOW-ONSET BLINDNESS. ZEROPERGALLON WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE IF YOU PISS/POOP IN YOUR PANTS WHILE READING THIS WEBSITE. ZEROPERGALLON WILL NOT BE HELD LIABLE FOR ANY FINGER/WRIST/ARM INJURIES THAT OCCUR WHILE NAVIGATING AROUND THE ZEROPERGALLON WEBSITE, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO SORENESS, NUMBNESS, OR MILD OR SEVERE NERVE DAMAGE, AND WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR FOOFY, HIPPIE "MEDICAL" TREATMENTS FOR SAID INJURIES INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO MASSAGE, YOGA, OR BOOB-LIKE WRIST PADS. SINCE TYPING IS AN INHERENTLY RISKY ACTIVITY, ZEROPERGALLON ENCOURAGES THE USE OF ALTERNATE METHODS, SUCH AS TYPE-BY-NOSE FOR INTERACTING WITH YOUR COMPUTER AND THE INTERNETS. "YOU" AGREE TO USE ZEROPERGALLON AT YOUR OWN RISK, SUCKA.
ZEROPERGALLON WILL NOT BE HELD LIABLE FOR DAMAGES RESULTING FROM ZEROPERGALLON PRODUCTS, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PAPER CUTS AND/OR INFECTIONS OR ALLERGIES RESULTING FROM ZEROPERGALLON STICKERS, OR FOR HAIR LOSS OR BURNS RESULTING FROM THE MISAPPLICATION OF STICKERS OR PATCHES TO HAIRY PARTS OF THE BODY.
ADDITIONALLY, ZEROPERGALLON WILL NOT BE HELD LIABLE FOR DAMAGES TO YOUR COMPUTER MONITOR IF "YOU" JUST TOOK A PEN OR PENCIL OR SHARPIE AND ATTEMPTED TO FILL IN EITHER OF THE TWO BOXES DIRECTLY ABOVE. IF THIS DISCLAIMER WERE A GAMBLING DISCLAIMER, IT WOULD PUT MONEY ON A HUNCH THAT "YOU" WERE TRYING TO CHECK THE "I'M AN IDIOT AND MY MOM IS SO FAT THAT JONNY5 ONCE SWERVED TO MISS HER AND RAN OUT OF GAS" BOX, BUT THAT'S JUST A HUNCH. NEITHER THIS DISCLAIMER, NOR ANY OTHER PART OF ZEROPERGALLON IS, IN FACT, A GAMBLING ENTITY, AND ZEROPERGALLON WILL NOT TOLERATE INSINUATIONS THAT SUGGEST OTHERWISE. ADDITIONALLY, ZEROPERGALLON WILL NOT BE HELD LIABLE FOR DAMAGES RESULTING FROM USING WHITE-OUT ON ANY COMPUTER MONITORS.
4) PRIVACY
ZEROPERGALLON WILL TAKE EVERY PRECAUTION TO PROTECT YOUR SENSITIVE PERSONAL INFORMATION AND PRECIOUS BODILY FLUIDS ONLINE AND OFF-LINE AND IN THOSE HARD-TO-REACH PLACES SOMEWHERE-IN-BETWEEN-LINE. ZEROPERGALLON ENCRYPTS YOUR SENSITIVE PERSONAL INFORMATION WITH THE ADVANCIEST ENCRYPTION SOFTWARE AVAILABLE, AND MAKES EVERY EFFORT TO KEEP YOUR SENSITIVE PERSONAL INFORMATION SECURE IN A PADLOCKED, GOAT-PROOF, DIGITAL VAULT. THIS MEANS THAT THE INFORMATION YOU SUBMIT IS ENCRYPTED BY YOUR COMPUTER, THEN RE-ENCRYPTED AGAIN BY MY COMPUTER, AND THEN SENT BACK AT HIGH SPEED WITH TOPSPIN, MAKING IT HARDER FOR HACKERS TO SMACK IT AROUND.
ZEROPERGALLON WILL NOT SELL, RENT, BARTER, OFFER, PIMP, OR TRADE YOUR PERSONAL INFORMATION TO SPAMMERS, EVEN THOSE MAKING WONDERFULLY ENTICING CLAIMS, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO: "LOAN CONSOLIDATION!," "PENIS ENLARGEMENT!," "YOU JUST WON THE LOTTERY!," AND "CHEAP CANADIAN DRUGS!" ZEROPERGALLON WILL NEVER ALLOW YOUR PERSONAL INFORMATION TO ENTER A STATE OF INDENTURED SERVITUDE. ZEROPERGALLON WILL NEVER GIVE YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS, PHONE NUMBER, LIBRARY RECORDS, INTERNET BROWSING RECORDS, DRIVING RECORD, BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER, CRIMINAL RECORD, COLLEGE TRANSCRIPT, OR CREDIT HISTORY TO THIRD PARTIES, OR FOURTH PARTIES, OR SATAN HIMSELF, UNLESS PRESENTED WITH A BONA FIDE COURT ORDER OR SUBPOENA OR OFFICIAL SATANIC REQUEST FORM. EVEN THEN, ZEROPERGALLON WILL ONLY DISCLOSE THE MINIMUM AMOUNT REQUIRED BY LAW, IN EXTREMELY TINY PRINT, UNLESS YOU'VE GOT SOME REALLY SEEDY STUFF HIDDEN IN THAT HISTORY OF YOURS, IN WHICH CASE WE MAY BROADCAST THE SHIT OUT OF IT, SUCKA.
ZEROPERGALLON WILL NOT DO ANYTHING WITH YOUR PERSONAL INFORMATION THAT WE WOULD NOT DO WITH OUR OWN -- YOU KNOW, MAYBE A LITTLE BIT OF CROSSDRESSING, SOME NAUGHTY LANGUAGE, AND SOME SPANKING, BUT NOTHING BEYOND THAT. WHAT WE'LL DO TO YOUR PERSONAL INFORMATION IS PERFECLTY LEGAL IN 38 STATES AND THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA.
5) GENERAL PURPOSE
THE INFORMATION ON THIS WEBSITE IS PROVIDED BY ZEROPERGALLON AND JONNY5 FOR EDUCATIONAL AND INFORMATIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENTIONAL PURPOSES ONLY, FOR USE IN THE MAINTENANCE AND PROMOTION OF GOOD HEALTH IN COOPERATION WITH A LICENSED AND COMPTETENT MEDICAL PRACTIONER, AND IS NOT INTENDED TO DIAGNOSE, TREAT, CURE, OR PREVENT ANY GOAT-RELATED ILLNESS, CONDITION, AFFLICTION, OR DISEASE THERETO. ZEROPERGALLON IS NOT A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL GOATLESS CARE, AND MEDICAL/PSYCHIATRIC ADVICE, EVEN BULLSHIT FREUDIAN MEDICAL/PSYCHIATRIC ADVICE, IS NOT BEING OFFERED HERE. IF "YOU" HAVE, OR SUSPECT "YOU" HAVE, A GOAT PROBLEM, "YOU" SHOULD CONSULT A PROFESSIONAL GOATLESS ADVISOR. IN THE EVENT THAT ANY INDIVIDUAL SHOULD USE THE INFORMATION PRESENTED ON THIS WEBSITE WITHOUT A LICENSED MEDICAL PRACTITIONERÕS APPROVAL, THAT INDIVIDUAL WILL BE DIAGNOSING AND/OR AMPUTATING PART OF HIMSELF OR HERSELF, OR ITSELF, IF IT IS A HERMAPHRODITE AND IS LOATHE TO PIGEON-HOLE ITSELF INTO PRE-ORDAINED SEXUAL CATEGORIES.
6) SECURITY
WHILE ZEROPERGALLON GUARANTEES AND WARRANTS THAT ITS WEBSITE WILL ALWAYS BE 100% GOATLESS, IT CANNOT AND DOES NOT GUARANTEE OR WARRANT THAT FILES AVAILABLE FOR DOWNLOADING FROM THE SITE ARE FREE OF VIRUSES, WORMS, TROJAN HORSES, OR OTHER CODE THAT HAS CONTAMINATING, DESTRUCTIVE, OR HUMP-LIKE-BUNNIES REPRODUCTIVE PROPERTIES. THOUGH ONLY THEORETICAL IN NATURE, IT WOULDN'T BE OUT OF THE REALM OF POSSIBILITY FOR SUCH A VIRUS, WORM, TROJAN HORSE, OR OTHER CODE TO CONTAIN SOME SORT OF EVIL ELECTRONIC OR DIGITAL RENDITION OF A GOAT, SORT OF LIKE THIS:
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7) ABUSE
ZEROPERGALLON HAS A ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY FOR ABUSE. IF "YOU" ARE SOME SORT OF GOAT-HUMAN HYBRID, AND ARE SPYING ON ZEROPERGALLON, WE WILL ASK "YOU" TO LEAVE, TURN YOURSELF OVER TO THE AUTHORITES, OR JUST WALK OFF OF A BRIDGE, OR JUMP INTO A VOLCANO, OR WHATEVER. "YOU" CHOOSE. FOR THE REST OF "YOU" NORMAL, NON-GOAT-MODIFIED HUMANS, WE WILL CONTINUE TO OFFER THE MOST COMPREHENSIVE GOATLESS SERVICES IN THE INDUSTRY AT THE LOWEST POSSIBLE PRICES.
8) LINKS
WHILE VISITING ZEROPERGALLON, "YOU" MAY LEAVE THE OFFICIAL ZEROPERGALLON WEBSITE AND ACCESS CERTAIN NON-ZEROPERGALLON WEBSITES MAINTAINED BY THIRD PARTIES, OR FOURTH PARTIES, OR SATAN HIMSELF. ZEROPERGALLON NEITHER REVIEWS NOR CONTROLS THE CONTENT AND ACCURACY OF THESE WEBSITES, AND THEREFOR WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR PISS-POOR SYNTAX, BAD GRAMMAR, FLAGRANT MISSPELLINGS, BACKWARDS OR CIRCULAR LOGIC, LAZY EDITING, AND GENERAL INACCURACIES, IN ADDITION TO SEXUALLY EXPLICIT, VIOLENT, VULGAR, RACIST, OR HIPPIE, LEFTIST MATERIAL. ZEROPERGALLON MAKES NO REPRESENTATIONS AS TO THE GOATLESSINESS OF THESE OTHER WEBSITES, AND WILL NOT BE HELD LIABLE IF "YOU," METAPHORICALLY SPEAKING, COME FACE-TO-FACE WITH A MUTHAFUCKIN' GOAT ON A PLANE. ACCESS TO THESE OTHER SITES IS AT YOUR OWN RISK.
9) DAMAGES
THE INFORMATION CONTAINED IN THIS SITE IS FOR GENERAL GUIDANCE ON MATTERS OF GOATLESS INTEREST ONLY. THE APPLICATION AND IMPACT OF LOCAL, STATE, FEDERAL, AND INTERNATIONAL GOAT-SACRIFICING LAWS CAN VARY WIDELY. GIVEN THE CHANGING NATURE OF SUCH LAWS, RULES, AND REGULATIONS, AND THE INHERENT HAZARDS OF BIOLOGICAL, CHEMICAL, HYDROLOGICAL, ELECTRICAL, BARBECUEOGICAL, RADIOLOGICAL AND OTHER PROMISING-BUT-NOT-YET-FULLY-DEVELOPED FORMS OF GOAT SACRIFICE, THERE MAY BE DELAYS, OMISSIONS, OR INACCURACIES IN THE INFORMATION CONTAINED IN THIS SITE. ACCORDINGLY, THE INFORMATION ON ZEROPERGALLON IS PROVIDED WITH THE UNDERSTANING THAT THE AUTHOR(S) AND PUBLISHER(S) IS/ARE NOT HEREIN ENGAGED IN RENDERING PROFESSIONAL LEGAL GOATLESS SERVICES.
10) LIABILITY
"YOU" AGREE BY ACCESSING ZEROPERGALLON THAT UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES OR ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY UNDER NATIONAL OR INTERNATIONAL OR CIVIL, COMMON, OR STATUATORY LAW, INCLUING BUT NOT LIMITED TO STRICT LIABILITY, PATENT, COPYRIGHT LAWS, NEGLIGENCE, OR OTHER TORT THEORIES OF CONTRACT, EVEN THOSE FROM MONGOLIA OR SOME OTHER SUCH CRAZY PLACE, WILL ZEROPERGALLON BE LIABLE FOR DAMAGES OF ANY KIND OCCURING FROM THE USE OF THIS WEBSITE OR ANY INFORMATION, GOODS, OR SERVICES OBTAINED ON THIS WEBSITE INCLUDING DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, INCONSEQUENTIAL, DENTAL, INCIDENTAL, OR PUNITIVE DAMAGES (EVEN IF ZEROPERGALLON HAS BEEN ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES) TO THE FULLEST EXTENT PERMITTED BY LAW. ZEROPERGALLON CANNOT BE HELD LIABLE FOR ANY LOSSES OR DAMAGES WHATSOEVER, EVEN THE RARE, OCCATIONAL, GOAT-RELATED INCIDENT, AS TRAGIC AND REGRETABLE AS SUCH AN INCIDENT MAY BE.
ADDITIONALLY, ZEROPERGALLON WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR LOSS OF BUSINESS, LOSS OF HAIR, LOSS OF PROFITS, LOSS OF SERVICE, LOSS OF TEETH, LOSS OF SANITY, LOSS OF CLIENTS, LOSS OF INFORMATION, OR ANY OTHER PECUNIARY OR PENILE LOSS. ZERPERGALLON MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO PROMISES, IMPLICATIONS, SUGGESTIONS OR GUARANTEES WHATSOEVER, IN WHOLE OR IN PART, THAT BY JOINING, READING, RESPONDING TO, FOLLOWING OR ADHERING TO ANY PROGRAM, PRODUCT, SERVICE OR INFORMATION I FEATURE THAT "YOU" WILL PRODUCE SPECIFIC RESULTS (E.G., MAKE MONEY, GROW A SECOND PENIS, WHATEVER.) ZEROPERGALLON IS NOT LIABLE FOR ANYTHING, SUCKA.
11) JURISDICTION
THIS ENTIRE AGREEMENT, INCLUDING DISCLAIMERS AND LEGAL NOTICES LISTED HEREIN, SUPERSEDES ALL OTHER AGREEMENTS, WHETHER IMPLIED OR STATED, EXCEPT THOSE BETWEEN JONNY5 AND YOUR MOM, AND IS CONSTRUED UNDER THE LAWS OF THE PROVINCE OF PASTORALIA, AND SHALL BE GOVERNED BY THE LAWS OF PASTORALIA.
12) LIMITATIONS
ZEROPERGALLON MAKES NO EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTEE THAT THIS SITE WILL EXTEND THE LENGTH OF YOUR PENIS, ENLARGE YOUR BREASTS, REMOVE UNWANTED HAIR, IMPROVE YOUR SEX LIFE, REPLACE WANTED HAIR, REMOVE UNWANTED FAT, ALTER YOUR SEX, DEVELOP FIRM MUSCLE TISSUE, ELIMINATE WRINKLES, PROTECT FROM ULTRAVIOLET RAYS, IMPROVE YOUR HEARING, SHARPEN YOUR VISION, WHITEN YOUR TEETH, INCREASE YOUR VOCABULARY, REDUCE YOUR MEDICAL BILLS, CONSOLIDATE YOUR LOANS, RAISE YOUR IQ, ELIMINATE FUNGAL ODORS, PREVENT UNWANTED PREGANCIES, OR POLISH YOUR FLOORS.
13) SMALL PRINT
ACTUAL RESULTS MAY VARY. NOT ALL GOATS EXUDE THE SAME AMOUNT OF EVILNESS. ZEROPERGALLON IS NOT APPROVED BY THE FDA. INDIVIDUALS SHOWN ARE PAID MODELS, AND NOT NECESSARILY ZEROPERGALLON CUSTOMERS. GOAT REGULATIONS VARY FROM SATE TO STATE. MAY CAUSE PERMANENT DAMAGE TO THE KIDNEYS AND LIVER. ZEROPERGALLON FAMILY MEMBERS AND EMPLOYEES ARE NOT ELIGIBLE FOR PRIZES AND PROMOTIONS. IF ERECTIONS LAST FOR MORE THAN FOUR HOURS, SEEK IMMEDIATE MEDICAL HELP. NON-TRANSFERRABLE. CASH VALUE = 1/20TH OF A CENT. MAY CAUSE ANAL LEAKAGE. SOME FEATURES NOT INCLUDED. CONTAINS SMALL PARTS. INCOMPLETE QUESTIONNAIRES WILL BE RETURNED TO SENDER. MAY CAUSE DIZZINESS OR NAUSEA. INACTIVE ACCOUNTS WILL BE TERMINATED AFTER 90 DAYS. MINIMUM INTEREST RATE = 29% + APR. PRINTED IN THE USA. NO PART OF THIS WEBSITE MAY BE BROADCAST WITHOUT PRIOR WRITTEN PERMISSION FROM JONNY5. SERVICE CHARGES MAY APPLY. SUBJECT TO CHANGE WITHOUT NOTICE. INDIVIDUAL RESULTS MAY VARY. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. COPYRIGHT 2007 ZEROPERGALLON.