Posts Tagged ‘Funny’

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JONNY'SLEGAL ADVISERSHEREBY INFORM YOUOF JONNY'S WISH THATYOU ENJOY A HAPPYVALENTINE'S DAY.

BY JONNY WALDMAN

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Jonny's legal advisers hereby inform you of Jonny's wish that you enjoy a happy Valentine's Day, Valtrex overseas, as well as the enclosed small personal gift.*

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* If this message has arrived erroneously, and/or you are not Jonny's girlfriend, 250mg Valtrex, please delete it and any copies of it immediately. Physical or electronic reproduction of this memo without express permission from Jonny's legal advisers is prohibited, 150mg Valtrex, and punishable by state, federal, and/or international laws.

As a designated recipient of this memo, you are immediately and indefinitely subject to the conditions, Valtrex india, provisions, constraints, liabilities, responsibilities, 20mg Valtrex, and limitations of this memo as set forth by Jonny's legal advisers, as outlined below. Valtrex paypal, This memo supersedes all other comparable Valentine's Day memos, verbal or written, between you and Jonny.

Regulations in some states and/or ongoing federal investigations may require Jonny to disclose certain personal information, including but not limited to bank-account numbers, Social Security numbers, previous tax records, medical histories, Internet-browsing histories, and/or investment portfolios, belonging to the recipient(s) of this memo, buy Valtrex Over The Counter. By reading this memo, 750mg Valtrex, you acknowledge and permit such disclosure.

Small personal gift may contain tracking device and/or computer viruses and/or self-destruct hardware.

Destroying, selling, 10mg Valtrex, disposing of, or tampering with small personal gift is a felony, Valtrex mexico, punishable by a fine up to $200,000 and/or 10 years in prison.

Certain outcomes of certain investigations may require you to return your small personal gift and indefinitely deny its existence, Valtrex ebay.

Buy Valtrex Over The Counter, Small personal gift has no cash value.

All information contained in this memo is confidential. Valtrex uk, Disclosure of the information contained herein to anyone is forbidden, and may be considered to be in contempt of California state courts, federal court, and/or ongoing national-security investigations, 30mg Valtrex. Recipients of this memo are hereby advised that they may be monitored via video, wiretapping, Valtrex coupon, and/or other forms of electronic surveillance.

Please do not reply to this memo via e-mail, as Jonny no longer has the time or the computer access necessary to check any e-mail account(s), Valtrex usa. Be advised that if you do reply to Jonny via e-mail, your reply may be monitored by private investigators and/or the FBI, the CIA, the DHS, and/or the NSA, buy Valtrex Over The Counter.

To schedule a personal Valentine's Day visit with Jonny, 1000mg Valtrex, please call the Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation Visitor Line, at 1-800-555-8474, between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m., Valtrex us, Monday through Friday. Refer to inmate No. 200mg Valtrex, 4529-98-43-0782.

Buy Valtrex Over The Counter, Please do not forward this memo, or mention any part of it, to any relatives of Jonny.

Be advised that Valentine's Day gifts sent to Jonny (via the Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation) will be searched and examined, and then sold at auction, 500mg Valtrex, and that the funds gained from selling said gifts will be used to fund Jonny's legal team. All such gifts are appreciated. Valtrex japan,

Recipients of this memo are required by state and federal laws to sign, date, and notarize this memo and to return it via registered, 40mg Valtrex, insured mail, by February 28, Valtrex craiglist, 2008, to Jonny's legal advisers, c/o Office of the Clerk, U.S. Court of Appeals for the 9th Circuit, P.O. Box 193939, San Francisco, CA 94119, buy Valtrex Over The Counter. Recipients are also obligated to include their 2006 and 2007 IRS tax records. Recipients may keep blue copy for personal records, and yellow copy for legal records. All other copies must be returned.

This memo is for general Valentine's Day purposes only, and is valid in perpetuity as of February 14, 2008.

Jonny is not liable for any physical, emotional, medical, financial, legal, or psychological damage resulting from this memo.

All rights reserved. Copyright 2008, Jonny's legal advisers. .

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No RX Toradol

No RX Toradol, So two weeks ago, when we were down in San Carlos, taking Sunshine for a little spin, we got ourselves into a funny little situation.

We'd just returned from the sea trial, and had put Sunshine in a slip at the marina. The then-owners and broker had gone about their day, Toradol craiglist, leaving us to poke around the boat more, measuring and tinkering and such. Toradol overseas, With the sun out, Matt, Jon and I put our feet up, congratulated each other, Toradol japan, and had a few nibbles of lunch: some prepackaged Mexican cookies and swigs of bottled water (you can tell that I did the shopping that morning.) Then, as typically happens after lunch, Toradol canada, the urge to piss arose.

Thing is, the toilet on the boat was out of commission, on account of broken/leaky hoses, Toradol us. And we couldn't just pee in the bushes, because there were none, or into the water, because it was a really nice, fancy marina, No RX Toradol. So Jon went up on deck and asked our neighbor if the marina had a bathroom. TheĀ  guy explained that the bathroom was just 50 yards behind us, Toradol usa, but then traced a wide arc with his hand, and further explained that getting there would require walking about a mile around the peninsula, unless we were willing to swim.

So Jon did what any climber-turned-sailor would do: he went back below deck, 150mg Toradol, grabbed one of those plastic water bottles, and pissed into it. 750mg Toradol, Matt did the same thing. No RX Toradol, So did I.

Hours later, the broker returned. Matt and Jon packed up their stuff, 30mg Toradol, grabbed a bag of trash, and jumped in the broker's car. 200mg Toradol, 10 minutes later, back at the office, we were signing important papers, to the tune of I-hereby-agree-to-pay-$60, Toradol uk,000-for-that-there-sailboat type of papers. So we sorta forgot about the contents of that trash bag. Actually, Jon remembered, but thought it inappropriate to deposit our piss-bottles in our broker's trash can, No RX Toradol. Toradol ebay, He's got class, Jon does.

So we signed the papers. We rejoiced over a can of cheap beer, Toradol australia. Then we left, trash bag in tow, 250mg Toradol, and walked around the corner, to a coffee shop, to let the feeling sink in some more. No RX Toradol, It should be noted here that Jon speaks terrible Spanish. Or rather, 50mg Toradol, he mumbles some stuff in Spanglish and then looks at me, knowing that I will correctly translate what has just been not-actually-said. Toradol india, So I heard Jon say the word "basura," in an interrogative kind-of-way, as in, "do you have a trash can?" The barrista nodded, 40mg Toradol, then extended her hand. Jon passed her our bag of trash. 10mg Toradol, She took it, and disappeared into the kitchen. That seemed to be that, No RX Toradol.

We had some coffee, then went upstairs, 20mg Toradol, to get online. An hour later, 1000mg Toradol, after writing some excited emails, we were eager to get some tacos. Matt and I were packing up our stuff when we heard Jon say, "Shit, Toradol paypal. I can't find my Nalgene." We poked around under the table, in case the bottle had fallen or rolled away. No RX Toradol, It wasn't there. Toradol mexico, So Jon did what any normal person would do: he asked the bartender if he'd seen a yellow water bottle. (His nalgene is made of yellow plastic.) Of course, Jon didn't get all of that syntax in there, given his Spanish skills, Toradol coupon. What he actually said is, "water. 100mg Toradol, yellow?. where???"

Now I wasn't there to actually witness the culmination of this piss-in-a-bottle-in-the-trash story (I had run off to call a taxi for later that night), but here's what happened, according to Matt, No RX Toradol. The bartender ran downstairs to search. 3 minutes later, he ran back upstairs, 500mg Toradol, shouting something like, "we found it!" (lo hemos encontrado!) Jon smiled. He ran downstairs. He approached the counter. No RX Toradol, Halfway there, he probably realized that there had been a grave misunderstanding. The barrista handed him our piss bottles, and did not smile as she did so. Not having any other recourse, Jon accepted the piss bottles. Not knowing how to say, "I am sorry, for this is not actually the yellow Nalgene I was seeking, nor is this a situation that I intended to create, and now I am embarrassed, and you are most likely angry, and for good reason," he just hung his head low. No translation was needed. He made a beeline for the door.

I caught up with Jon and Matt 5 minutes later, at the taco place. By the time the first round of beers arrived, I think Jon had pretty much given up on the search for his lost Nalgene. Jon looked relieved, having just deposited the piss bottles in a bigger, better trash can.

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No RX Norvasc

No RX Norvasc, Four years ago, back in grad school in Boston, I spent a lot of time reading and drinking coffee at Espresso Royale, over on Commonwealth Ave. I read a lot of nonfiction: stuff by Joe Mitchell, Philip Gourevitch, John McPhee, Eric Schlosser -- that kind of stuff -- as well as every back issue of The New Yorker I could get my hands on. Espresso Royale is a pretty big coffee shop, 250mg Norvasc, and it was easy to bury my head and get lost in books for hours there; dozens of other students were busy doing the same thing. One afternoon I came across a piece of fiction by George Saunders -- it was "Pastoralia" -- and it made me laugh so hard I couldn't keep reading. Actually (I remember this distinctly), it made me laugh so loud that the people around me couldn't keep reading.

That turned me on to George Saunders, No RX Norvasc. Since then, I've read all 5 of his books. *(I've also adopted a word he coined, Norvasc coupon, goatless, as Zero Per Gallon's corporate theme.) They're all hilarious; his imagination and perspective are wry and slick and out-of-control-in-a-fantastic-way and somehow dead-on. (Acclaimed writers have compared him to Vonnegut and Twain, and said amazing things about him too, far more articulately than I can.)

Here's one such funny thing, Norvasc canada, called "Ask the optimist"

[googlevideo="http://video.google.com/googleplayer.swf?docId=-3973422089041720086&hl=en" flashvars=""]

Anyway, I read Saunders' latest book, The Braindead Megaphone, on the beach in Mexico last month, and really dug the writerly essays within. There are essay on: a book, full of sharp sentences, Norvasc craiglist, that he read in 3rd grade and which changed his life; how his mind boggled when he first read Vonnegut, at age 23; some techniques to sustaining narrative action in storytelling (Saunders teaches creative writing at Syracuse); and a great review/interpretation/essay on Huck Finn. No RX Norvasc, If you are a student of English or writing or fiction, these essays make the book worth it.

There are also a few "travel pieces" that are unlike any other "travel pieces." They're kind of like traditional journalism on crack, and I mean that in a good way. Saunders "reports" on Mexican immigration and the Minutemen patrolling the Texas/Mexico border; the commercial absurdity of Dubai; a 15-year-old boy in Nepal who supposedly spent 7 months meditating without food or water; and a curious land called Britain. 30mg Norvasc, If you are an armchair tourist/traveller (or if you enjoy reading Dave Barry), and, like me, you have grown somewhat weary of formulaic travel pieces, these essays will rekindle your imagination and leave you giggling in awe.

BUT, there is one essay above all of the rest -- the very first essay, Norvasc mexico, the eponymous essay -- that stuck with me the most. It's 19 pages long, and laser-friggin-sharp, No RX Norvasc. it's about us/our-brains/the-media/how-we-communicate/propaganda/commerce/writing/politics/democracy and a bunch of, uh, smaller, tangential themes. 10mg Norvasc, It is intensely relevant. I wish I could discuss it, in person, over a cup of coffee, with every one of my friends.

The video version sums it up decently. No RX Norvasc, The compressed written version goes like this:

So you're at this great party, hangin' out with smart, articulate, experienced people, and in walks a guy with a megaphone. He's so loud that most guests can't avoid hearing him and in some way or another responding to him, Norvasc ebay, becoming "reactors-to-the-guy." If megaphone guy starts using dumb phrases like "at the end of the day," everyone else starts using such dumb phrases too. As Saunders puts it, "his rhetoric becomes the central rhetoric because of its unavoidability." In other words: megaphone guy ruins the party.

The sad/scary part: "responses are predicated not on his intelligence, 1000mg Norvasc, his unique experience in the world, his powers of contemplation, or his ability with language, but on the volume and omnipotence of his narrating voice."

But it's worse that just that. Megaphone guy is not only dumb, inarticulate, and inexperienced; he's also struggling to entertain people, 40mg Norvasc, so he yells, and jumps from topic to topic, "favoring the conceptual-general ('We're eating more cheese cubes -- and loving it!'), the anxiety- or controversy-provoking ('Wine running out due to shadowy conspiracy?'), the gossipy ('Quickie rumored in south bathroom!'), Norvasc overseas, and the trivial ('Which quadrant of the party room do YOU prefer?')."

The result: the megaphone guy puts an intelligence-ceiling on the party. Hence a more accurate nickname for him: braindead megaphone guy, No RX Norvasc.

From there, Saunders backs up, and asks: What's the best way to accurately transmit information.

"The best case scenario....information arrives in the form of prose written and revised over a long period of time, in the interest of finding truth, by a disinterested person with real-world experience in the subject area, 100mg Norvasc. The report can be as long, dense, nuanced, and complex as is necessary to portray the complexity of the situation."

"The worst case scenario might be: information arrives in the form of prose written by a person with little or no firsthand experience in the subject area, who hasn't had much time to revise what he's written, 150mg Norvasc, working within narrow time constraints, in the service of an agenda that may be subtly or overtly distorting his ability to tell the truth."

But wait, there's more. "Could we make this worst-case scenario even worse. No RX Norvasc, Sure. Let it be understood that the Informant's main job is to entertain and that, if he fails in this, he's gone, 20mg Norvasc. Also, the man being informed. Make him too busy, ill-prepared, and distracted to properly assess what the informant's shouting at him.... Norvasc japan, Welcome to America..."

Saunders suggests that the decline accelerated sharply back in the O.J. Simpson era, and continued through the Monica Lewinsky scandal, No RX Norvasc. He traces the development (or evolution) of a "new style of presentation" and a "new rhetorical strategy" that bolstered obviously-unimportant "stories."

His take on coverage of the Lewinsky scandal: "More at five about The Stain. Have you ever caused a Stain. Which color do you think would most effectively hide a Stain. See what our experts predicted you would say!"

As he puts it, "if someone has to lecture ten hours a day on a piece of dog crap in a bowl, adjustments will need to be made, Norvasc usa. No RX Norvasc, To say the ridiculous things that will need to be said to sustain the illusion that the dog-crap story is serious news ('dog-crap expert Jesse Toville provides his assessment of the probable size of the dog and its psychological state at time-of-crappage'), distortions of voice, face, and format will be required." Often, such "information" comes in banal language, all revved-up: ("cold WEATHer leads SOME motorISTS to drive less, CARrie!")

So it all seems kinda harmless, until something like 9/11 comes along, and "our national discourse had been so degraded -- our national language so dumbed-down," that while deciding to invade another country, we let Megaphone Guy, with his "crude, hyperbolic tools" ("countdown to slapdown in the desert!" and "twilight for the evil one: america comes calling!"), lead the way.

As a result, instead of morality, or debate, or curiosity, or any sort of intellectual/ethical examination, Norvasc paypal, we got "news" bits on tactics and strategy, because that was quick and easy to digest, and more-than-moderately entertaining.

"Why aggressive, anxiety-provoking, maudlin, polarizing discourse should prove more profitable than its opposite is a mystery.., Norvasc australia. In any event, the people who used to ask, 'Is it news?' now seem to be asking, 'Will it stimulate?'" Saunders allows that profit and economic incentives are fine, but adds, Norvasc us, "if these trump every other consideration, we will be rendered perma-children, having denied ourselves use of our higher faculties. (He also explores how it is that many well-educated, bright reporters get stuck producing such content.)

And that's the larger cost of dopey communication, Saunders says. It degrades "our ability to make bold, meaningful sentences, or laugh at stupid, ill-considered ones." It makes "us dumber and more accepting of slop." It's an oversimplification, Saunders admits, but "is some of our media very stupid, No RX Norvasc. Hoo boy, 50mg Norvasc. Does stupid, near omnipresent media make us more tolerant toward stupidity in general. It would be surprising if it didn't."

"Next time we hear someone saying something like, 'We are pursuing this strategy because other strategies, when we had considered them, Norvasc india, we concluded that, in terms of overall effectiveness, they were not sound strategies, which is why we enacted the one we are now embarked upon, which our enemies would like to see us fail, due to they hate freedom,' we will wait to see if the anchorperson cracks up, Norvasc uk, or chokes back a sob of disgust, and if he or she does not, we'll feel a bit insane, and therefore less confident, and therefore more passive."

Or, 200mg Norvasc, take this example, from Saunders' essay on Huck Finn: "In a culture that is becoming ever more story-stupid, in which a representative of the Coca-Cola company can, with a straight face, pronounce, as he donates a collection of archival Coca-Cola commercials to the Library of Congress, that "Coca-Cola has become an integral part of people's lives by helping to tell these stories, 750mg Norvasc," it is perhaps not surprising that people have trouble teaching and receiving a novel as complex and flawed as Huck Finn, but it is even more urgent that we learn to look passionately and technically at stories, if only to protect ourselves from the false and manipulative ones being circulated among us."

Is there an antidote. There is, Saunders says. 500mg Norvasc, "Every well-thought-out rebuttal to dogma, every scrap of intelligent logic, every absurdist reduction of some bullying stance is the antidote. Every request for clarification of the vague, every poke at smug banality, every pen stroke in a document under revision is the antidote." The battle will be won "with small drops of specificity and aplomb and correct logic, delivered titrationally, by many of us all at once."

"Turn that megaphone down, and insist that what's said through it be as precise, intelligent, and humane as possible.".

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