Posts Tagged ‘today’s funny’

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That's it. The current "media climate" depresses me too much. I'm going back to putting "everything" in quotes and looking for a life-sized inflatable goat. What, is that weird.

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Buy Accutane No Prescription, THE RULES FOR THIS DEBATE ARE A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENTby Jonny Waldman

Good evening from Hofstra University in New York, and welcome to this third and final presidential debate, sponsored by the Commission on Presidential Debates and by Taco Bell. I'm Jonny Waldman, a new media consultant hired by CBS News to improve ratings and viewership.  Bob Schieffer declined at the last minute to host tonight's debate, which is a little bit different than the other debates, so I'm filling in.

Tonight's debate, as you can see, Accutane overseas, is the only one with a bar-room format. That's why there's a bowl of pretzels next to me, and a gin and tonic in my hand. That's also why there are no chairs in this venue. There are, however, four open bars in the corners, a boxing ring in the middle, and a dartboard and big-screen TV next to it -- but I'll get to that in a minute, Buy Accutane No Prescription.

First, Accutane usa, I'd like to thank the Gallup Organization, which has chosen two hundred uncommitted voters from local bars, and brought them here. As you can see, they are milling about the room with me. I've been here since noon, and I can report that most of the attendees are thoroughly drunk, Accutane india. About an hour ago a bunch of guys behind me started complaining about their plummeting stocks, and since then feelings of anger and belligerence have spread around the room. Buy Accutane No Prescription, Honestly, I'm pretty pissed, too. And definitely tipsy.

As you can also see, the attendees have been given paintball guns, 40mg Accutane, as well as five hundred paintball pellets, which have been marked with the official seals of every state in the Union. Pellets from red states are red, blue states are blue, and tossup states are yellow. For what it's worth, Washington, Accutane craiglist, DC and U.S. territories are not represented, Buy Accutane No Prescription. I'm sure a lawsuit will come of this. More on this in a minute, too.

Rest assured, Accutane us, this is sure to be an exciting debate.

Tonight's forum will be the debut of some amazing advances in debate technology. Buy Accutane No Prescription, The candidates' handheld microphones have been modified to deliver painful electrical shocks. RFID chips have been inserted into the candidates' shoes, allowing sensors in the floor to track the candidates, so that viewers at home can follow their moves. On your screens, Senator McCain will be represented by a red Mr, 10mg Accutane. Potato Head icon, and Senator Obama will be represented by a blue Barney icon. Slow-motion, high-definition cameras have been mounted throughout the room to capture the action. The candidates have been provided with puncture-resistant attire and safety glasses, though they have agreed not to throw darts at each other, Buy Accutane No Prescription. The candidates have also been wired with medical sensors, Accutane ebay, so that viewers can observe their heart rate, temperature, blood-alcohol content, and breathing patterns as they answer questions and drink margaritas and react to electrical shocks while dodging paintballs and throwing darts and watching the National League playoffs -- all at the same time, right here, live, on nationally-broadcast television, 30mg Accutane.

Tonight's debate will be conducted in three twentyfive-minute rounds -- I mean segments -- with two five-minute intermissions in between. During the intermissions the candidates will have the opportunity to visit the restroom, have a cup of coffee, change their clothes, or lie down -- anything but keep talking. Accutane coupon, Meanwhile, CBS News will offer instant replays, highlights, bloopers, and political analysis, while continuing to monitor the candidates' movements and medical condition. Buy Accutane No Prescription, If either candidate requests a restroom visit, a coffee break, couch time, or a change of clothes during the battle -- I mean debate -- he will be electrically shocked, and attendees will be free to take aim with their paintball guns. Similarly, 750mg Accutane, if a candidate keeps talking during the break, he'll be shocked and deemed fair game.

Because this is the final debate, and there's so much to discuss just weeks before the election, questions will not be asked one-at-a-time, 150mg Accutane, as in previous debates. Attendees will be free to yell out their questions whenever they want.

Hold on a minute, not just yet. Almost, Buy Accutane No Prescription.

Candidates will only have twenty seconds to answer questions; if they go over the limit, they will be electrically shocked, and attendees will be allowed to fire their paintball guns, Accutane mexico. If the candidates dodge questions, or don't answer fully -- the same treatment;  they will be shocked and paintballed. If either candidate stands still for more than ten seconds, same deal.

Unlike previous debates, 20mg Accutane, this forum also encourages candidates to talk to each other at the same time, discussing political issues and beliefs the way most Americans do. Buy Accutane No Prescription, I know that's how I do. If they don't, they will be zapped, and attendees will be allowed to pull their triggers. Furthermore, attendees here and voters online have submitted phrases they are tired of hearing -- which include "maverick, 100mg Accutane," "my friends," "middle class," "veteran," "Kenya," "my record, 500mg Accutane, " "the Senate," and "voted." For the full list, go to CBSnews.com, or watch the ticker on the bottom of your screen. If any candidate mentions one of these forbidden phrases, he will be shocked, and attendees will be permitted to fire at will, Accutane paypal. As a sponsor of this debate, Taco Bell has agreed to offer one free taco to every American tomorrow if either candidate mentions the phrase, "run for the border." Last but not least, I will on occasion interrupt the questioning, and ask the candidates to update me on the baseball game, 200mg Accutane, which will be playing on the big-screen TV. If a candidate is unable to authoritatively report what's been going on, he will be shocked, and attendees will be free to take aim, Buy Accutane No Prescription. I have a paintball gun, too.

If, at any point, anyone here runs out of paintballs, he or she may collect five hundred more by chugging a beer in less than thirty seconds, Accutane australia. We'll be covering this story, too.

Now, about that boxing ring right there. Buy Accutane No Prescription, The candidates have agreed to remain inside it. This is in part to encourage face-to-face discussion between the two candidates, Accutane uk, but it also to give the attendees here a good, clean shot. You'll note that Senator Joe Biden and Governor Sarah Palin are also present tonight, sitting behind protective glass enclosures on opposite corners of the ring. This is because the candidates may, if necessary, "tag out, 250mg Accutane," and have their respective vice-presidential candidates fill in. Once a candidate "tags out," he may not return. On your screens, Senator Biden will be represented by a blue Oscar the Grouch icon, and Governor Palin will be represented by a red Miss Piggy icon, Buy Accutane No Prescription. There are additional forbidden phrases, obviously, 1000mg Accutane, for the VP's.

OK, just a few last rules, and then I need another gin and tonic.

Each candidate is wearing an American flag pin on his lapel, just above his heart. If a candidate's flag is hit with a paintball, 50mg Accutane, the candidate will -- as you probably suspected -- be shocked and deemed an open target. Buy Accutane No Prescription, Believe me, I know: the symbolism will be overwhelming. On the other hand, the candidate must not, under any circumstances, cover up his flag pin, Accutane canada, unless he wants to be unsupportive of the troops and unpatriotic. Should that happen, he will forfeit the fight -- I mean the debate -- immediately.

At the end, we'll tally the paintball hits each candidate received, and break down what states the paintballs represented. The results won't actually mean anything, Accutane japan, but it should make for a nice graphic.

Finally, as per bar-room-format rules, during the last thirty minutes, each candidate has taken three shots of tequila and chugged three beers, to loosen up. They are now ready to debate.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is now my distinct pleasure to introduce the candidates, Senator Barack Obama of Illinois and Senator John McCain of Arizona.

Let the games begin.

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Inspired by a NY Times story Careprost For Sale, about the history/use of the phrase "I'm [insert politico's name here], and I approve this message," I came up with some of my own. But first, Careprost india, Careprost paypal, some primo examples:

mouthful of a non sequitur: "I’m Mike Huckabee and I approved this message because Iowans have a right to know the truth about Mitt Romney’s dishonest attacks on me and even an American hero, John McCain.”

awesomely bitter: I'm Angie Paccione, Careprost coupon, 20mg Careprost, and I approved this message because if Marilyn keeps lying about my record, I’ll keep telling the truth about hers.”

grammatically + logically retarded: "I’m Don Cazayoux and I approved this message because that’s who I’m fighting for.”

kinda postmodern: “I’m Don Cazayoux, Careprost japan, 100mg Careprost, and believe it or not, I approved this message.”

a little bit creative: “I’m Mike Huckabee and I approved this message, Careprost uk. Careprost us, So did Chuck [Norris]"

----[If only these were real]"I'm Sarah Palin, and - ah, 10mg Careprost, 50mg Careprost, you know -- this message, I mean, Careprost usa, 40mg Careprost, this advertisement, on television -- for me -- even flat screens, 1000mg Careprost, Careprost canada, these days -- I made it -- I mean, I gave it the permission -- wait, 30mg Careprost, Careprost ebay, I mean, I give my my approval -- I approve it -- because, 500mg Careprost, 750mg Careprost, ah, I want -- because I'm trying, Careprost mexico, Careprost australia, ah, because I'm going to--"VOICE OFF SCREEN: --because I'm running--"--yah, Careprost overseas, 150mg Careprost, because I'm running, to be, Careprost craiglist, 250mg Careprost, ah, with John McCain, 200mg Careprost, the vice president, of the country -- you know, the united states, of which I'm so proud of."

"I'm John McCain, and I approved this message because whether or not I get tempermental, the fact remains that I've known Henry Friggin' Kissinger for longer than you've been able to piss in a pot."

"I'm Barack Obama, and I approved this message because my father was from Kenya, in case you somehow missed the other 68,000 times I've said that.".

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obama: he and my father used to sit around the fireplace and talk about politics until 4am, Elavil india. 150mg Elavil, mccain: we got so hammered. Elavil For Sale, i don't even know if they were men or women.
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obama: in a way, kissinger influenced me to get into politics.
mccain: did you know that thai hookers are on average 4" taller than cambodian hookers.
jim lehrer: ok, next question-mccain: hold on, i'm summoning the republican powers of reagan. see that halo around me. that's better.

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mccain: i take care of them more than you do, 200mg Tindamax. Tindamax usa, this bracelet was given to me by a veteran. it guides me in everything i do, Tindamax paypal.
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obama: all of my clothes were made by disabled veterans on welfare living in federal housing projects, 20mg Tindamax. 40mg Tindamax, mccain: i founded the Washington DC chapter of the American Association of Veteran's Support Networks.
obama: two thirds of my staff are veterans.
mccain: i've got more, buy Tindamax Over The Counter. plus we sit in prayer circles every morning at sunrise and pray for other veterans. that's how much i care about them.
jim lehrer: Ok, time us up. next question-obama: just one more thing before we move on, Jim - as a teenager in hawaii, i lived in a veterans hippie commune. i literally loved them.
mccain: my wife, cindy, is not actually a woman. she's a veteran, and after a terrible accident, had an operation-jim lehrer: -OK, next question....

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