Voila: my 5th submission (here’s 1, 2, 3, and 4) was NOT rejected, and is up on McSweeney’s. Here ’tis: JONNY’S LEGAL ADVISERS HEREBY INFORM YOU OF JONNY’S WISH THAT YOU ENJOY A HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY. BY JONNY WALDMAN – – – - Jonny’s legal advisers hereby inform you of Jonny’s wish that you enjoy [...]
YOUR LANGUAGE. YOUR ECONOMY. YOUR RIDICULOUS MARKETING THEME. your security. your taxes. your local police department. your desire. your money. your monthly credit card statement. your health. your privacy. your public urinal. your satisfaction. your thirst. your disposable coffee cup. your freedom. your safety. your orange traffic cone. your hygiene. your comfort. your toilet paper. [...]
APHORISMS THAT NEVER CAUGHT ON 16.5 one way, half the ounces in a Nalgene bottle the other 5 one way, half of your metatarsals the other 3 one way, half the number of beers in a six-pack the other 106 one way, halfway to the boiling point of water, in degrees Fahrenheit, the other 4 [...]
MALE ANATOMY: SPAM OR SHAKESPEARE? 1) dart of love 2) one inch wonder 3) three inch fool 4) willy 5) roger 6) huge male meat 7) thumping latoya 8. potent regiment 9) potato finger 10) codpiece 11) trouser mouse 12) great tool 13) long tool 14) good root 15) bouffant body part 16) great natural [...]
A PRESIDENTIAL-CAMPAIGN SPEECH THAT WILL HELP YOU SWEEP THE POPULAR VOTE. by Adam Sachs —- Ladies and Gentlemen, Thank you very much for inviting me to your wonderful state here in the great heartland of America but also pretty near the coast. It is an honor to speak from this podium, in this storied courthouse, [...]
Four years ago, back in grad school in Boston, I spent a lot of time reading and drinking coffee at Espresso Royale, over on Commonwealth Ave. I read a lot of nonfiction: stuff by Joe Mitchell, Philip Gourevitch, John McPhee, Eric Schlosser — that kind of stuff — as well as every back issue of [...]
Answers to Today’s Hocus-Focus, Brought to You by Ralph Nader By Anrew Kiraly 1. Coffeepot is moved. Why? America wants to know. The people deserve answers. 2. Window is narrower. It’s a silent tragedy you won’t see on the corporate media monopoly’s evening “news.” 3. Boy’s shoes are smaller. What’s not smaller is the mercilessly [...]
Aesop In The City -by Yoni Brenner The New Yorker August 13, 2007 – The Hawk and the Mouse A clever mouse is sunning himself in Battery Park, when a hawk swoops down and seizes him in her talons. Whistling through the air, the mouse warns the hawk not to eat him. “Why shouldn’t I?” [...]
I get all sorts of crazy internship applications where I work (at a non-profit), but this one was too good to be for real: From: “Manoslav Brunswick” Date: March 14, 2007 Subject: internship — YES!! Dear Mr. Walsman, I am ready now to help your organization. This is the moment when business most be infiltrated [...]
This looks like one of the funniest events ever. 7th ANNUAL BYOBW RACE Free to race, Free prizes, Free fun. NO RUBBER WHEELS! NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS! Watch the movie! (11 minutes long. “epic in scope. grand in vision. near-deadly in production.” Everything about it is awesome. fine film-making on display here.)